All of the words that I use to describe it— They are wrong. No letters—
Nothing can convey to someone without OCD how good it feels to compulse obsessively
My compulsion is paper rubbing: I see paper// I rub paper// I rub all paper// I rub paper// until it turns into a wrinkled shadow of itself, degraded// I rub paper// until it becomes particles and atoms
I impose entropy, no paper is safe from my thumb, my tongue, my index finger—
• My social security card
• My name change document with the judge’s stamp & all
• My dead grandfather’s Japanese dictionary from the 1940s
• My favorite piece of art that I have ever made
• My LIHEAP application, it made me feel warm
• My collection agency letters, those I didn’t mind destroying
• The grocery lists on the fridge
• My best friend’s w2 tax forms, he had to take them away from my hands, I nearly cried–
• My birth certificate, so now I do not exist
I rub paper // it feels good I rub paper // because I can’t, I can’t not rub paper I look at paper when I’m not rubbing paper and I need to rub paper It does not hurt anyone and I will not let therapy fix me
婕 Venus Cohen is a mixed, trans creator and current undergrad in English at Mount Holyoke College as a Frances Perkins Scholar. Their work has been recognized in various formats with writing and visual arts in Boston Fashion Week, Disquiet Arts, and is upcoming in Beyond Queer Words Anthology, Wrongdoing Magazine, Fahmidan Journal and The B’K.
Serotonin 